To Shag A Malfoy
by Intrapersonal xx
Summary: This is the story of Harry Potter in a ball-busting, heart-warming tale of a lifetime as he tries to get some from the very seductive Draco Malfoy himself. This one is a definite crowd pleaser! You will love this!
1. To Shag a Malfoy

I am writing on a whim! I need to expand my writing styles (this one's called stupid!). Oh yeah and before Carpal Tunnel completely runs my life and I am forced to become so unappreciated housewife! But I also need to reach Nirvana here! Review and I will dig you mucho.

And the trouble ensues…..

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"Hi, I'm Harry Potter.

And I am a homosexual." He wrote furiously; glad to get that off of his chest.

"That's a horrible way to start a journal!" He thought to himself, quickly ripping the page out and throwing it into the garbage can.

"It sounds like I'm in some muggle queer counseling or something!" he shouted in utter frustration, relieved he was in alone in the common room due to his impulsive outburst.

The room was unnervingly quiet; **all **of the Gryffindors had gone on the Hogsmeade trip.

He took a deep breath and tried again at his journal.

"I am Harry Potter andI am unfortunately in love with Draco Malfoy," he wrote with renewed vigor from his previous desperate outburst.

He paused for a short moment to about Hermione, his best friend since 1st year, he was glad she had decided to buy him a journal for his 15thbirthday instead of an everlasting chocolate frog, like his other best friend Ron. She thought it would be good for Harry to have an outlet for all of his newfound teenage angst.

He began writing again, "I remember the first time I became interested in Draco Malfoy. I think the first time I became to feel admiration for him was when I had decided to actually take the time out and critically look at him. It was during dinner. The only reason I was looking at him was because he thought it was appropriate to continually point out that Hermione is a "mud blood" so I thought it was only necessary I give him a good telling off."

Harry stopped for a minute to take a breath, it was sad that the thought of Draco sent his heart into all types of calamity.

After a good minute of deep breathing he picked up his quill and began writing again.

"But shortly after the telling off I decided to glare at him, but my face began to soften when I actually started looking at him. You see it was the way he picked up his goblet to drink his pumpkin juice."

Harry heard a noise near the door of the Common Room. It sounded at though a rather loud group of people were trying to stifle their laughter. He quickly stowed away his journal before he saw a pair of flaming red heads enter the Gryffindor common room.

"Hi Harry." Fred and George said simultaneously with mischievous grins on their faces.

"Oh, Hi," Harry said, starting to feel nervous under their wayward eyes.

"What have you been up to?" asked Fred curiously.

"Writing in your journal?' said George, barely giving Harry a chance to even register the question, and an even shorter time to realize what George had just revealed.

"And how would you know that!?" Harry asked, suddenly becoming all too aware of their cornering stances.

"Because we just noticed the way you were holding it. With such precision andgrace," answered George nonchalantly.

"Like a certain handsome blonde-haired Slytherin I might add," chimed Fred, his face turning red with delight.

"We were watching you the entire time you were writing," George said, "You know, for the destroyer of Voldemort, you really know how to procrastinate on your sexual views."

Harry took a wise choice to ignore the previous comment. "I am not going to lose it over a childish comment," he thought repeatedly, as though he were singing a Twisted Sisters song.

"But how? How did you know what I was writing? It's not like I was say it aloud or anything." Harry questioned turning the conversation into a somewhat cooler topic. Harry pondered for a moment, "Did I say that out loud?"

Both brothers clapped their hands on Harry's shoulders at the same time and pulled him towards a couch nearby.

When they were properly seated they took a deep, overly exaggerated breath and gave their reply.

"You see Harry we've discovered a new-found invention to help us pry even more mercilessly! It's like the bloody Marauder's of journals. We get to see what you write because we have another journal that allows us to see what you write in **your** journal." George answered with a "know-it-all" smile.

Harry was rendered speechless for a short moment. How is it possible that they have all these interesting inventions? What's next a talking Invisible Cloak?

"So where is this mysterious journal?" Harry questioned, finally understanding the seriousness of them being able to read all journals that is if it was in fact a _proper_ Marauder's Journal.

"Oh my poor dear Harry," replied Fred imitating an almost perfect version of his mother, the always caring , "It wouldn't be a mystery if we told you, now would it?"

"But let's talk about something that isn't a mystery anymore. The ultimate Golden Boy, our star seeker for the Gryffindors is in ooey gooeylove with DRACO MALFOY!" exclaimed George sounding as though he had swallowed helium.

"EWWW! Draco Malfoy eats muggles for breakfast!" screamed Fred in the voice of a 3 year old.

"But now that we got that off our chest," said the twins in a calm, businesslike voice anddusting imaginary dirt of their bodies, "We're going to help you with Draco Malfoy."

Harry knew if he had a mirror at this very moment he would epitomize the look of skepticism and optimism perfectly in an equally balanced contortion on his face.

"O-Oh No," he stammered suddenly losing all color in his face, stomach violently churning with apprehension.

"O-Oh Yes," stammered George in mock fear.

"When we noticed your scribbles of writing—

"Seriously, Harry work on your penmanship it's like trying to decipher parsel tongue when reading your words! No wonder you get such low marks in Snape's!" interrupted George.

"As I was saying," Fred began again. Harry noted his quick glare to George and had to stifle his giggles, "We wrote up a plan for you to help you shag Malfoy!"

This time Harry was the one to glare, and also heard a stifled giggle from George by his left ear.

Fred pulled out a piece of parchment from his cloak. Harry looked at the two fiery red heads with open uncertainty.

"Go ahead and open it! It's not like we just put Snape in there after he graded your potions essay or something!" The twins high-fived each other and yelled "Inflamo-ed!" (Get it "Burned!")

Harry slowly unwrapped the parchment.

"To shag a Malfoy," Harry read aloud, "Original" he added with transparent sarcasm.

"HEY! You try working under limited time!" cried George offensively.

"Yeah we didn't know if you were going to continue or desecrate it like your first entry!" interjected Fred.

"We only managed to write one rule," said Fred pointing at a hastily written snippet.

"A young wizard must always look his best when trying to shag a most immaculate and well put together young lad like Draco Malfoy," started George taking on a tone of a professor, "Which is why our first rule is called "Dress to Impress."

"I'll take it from here ," interjected Fred in the same tone," Make sure to always mutter some type of glamour char, before leaving your dorm. A good one is _Attractivio;_it really gives you that extra little something before school starts! Try to wear the colors he likes! Let's be honest Harry, black suits you! No more ill-fitting clothes either! Tight is sexy! Show off that quidditch body! Sweet Cheeks! (George: 'Fred wrote this all on his own not me!')"

Harry blushed slightly after the "sweet cheeks" comment, although it was quickly lost when he remembered the rule.

"What I don't dress nicely?" Harry retorted.

"Well it's not exactly attractive," replied Fred trying to calm him. George apologetically patted him on the back.

They heard sounds from outside the common room.

"I guess the Gryffindors are back from Hogsmeade." noted Harry, relieved he would have time to think.

"Remember Harry Dress To Impress. We'll have the 2nd rule ready for you after three days!" reminded Fred.

"Can't wait to see you at lunch tomorrow!" exclaimed George excitedly, clapping his hand together like a first year at Honeydukes.

Yes, tomorrow would be an undoubtedly long day.

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I know I know how dare she write something so stupid and utterly pointless! As I am trying to tell you I'm working on my stupid writing style! Review and I'll dig you mucho!!


	2. Perviticus Totalus

I AM BACK

I AM BACK!! Turns out you guys love this! Hence I love it too! And I will continue you this as long as I get reviews!! Ooh and my best friend also helped me with continuing this story but yah I love you! And I am feeling on top of the friggin world because I just got an alert on my other story! To go with the nine I got for this one!! (Yes so much better than sex!!) Well yeah I wanna be a writer so it better! Ooh shout out time!

Saphirecinder- Yeah that was just a whim that "infamo-ed" thing. Whims keep me living! Thanx for the review! (…And the crack.)

Master KaiKen- I am just a student in this new found stupidity. Foolishness Brilliance Gracias!! Advice keeps me young!

**And the calamity continues…..**

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--His body, slick with sweat and writhing in pleasure.

**--"Blow me," **Harry managed to squeak through his moans of pleasure while Draco was gripping his…..

--"ARGH!" Harry yelled in frustration after waking from one of his most pleasurable dreams with the Slytherin stallion himself.

--Although in this dream Draco wasn't just gripping **his own** goblet….

--"Seamus!" Harry exclaimed in fear, "What are you doing?!" jumping at the sight of the Irishman hungrily raking his eyes over his body.

--"Well you know I was just doing my daily morning wank…" Harry rolled his eyes.

--"And I happened to notice you had a full blown erection," Seamus noted shamelessly.

--Harry slowly looked down. Seamus was correct indeed.

--Harry was becoming slightly alarmed Seamus was still staring at him with the same hungry expression. If Seamus' eyes were hands he would surely already have been raped by now.

--"Oh," Harry said, trying to think of a plan to get the _bloody hell_ out of there.

--"Yeah." Seamus slowly began to stalk closer to Harry with a look of sheer lust in his eyes, as though he were a lonely lion in desperate need of a shag….Or a lonely Snape for that matter.

--Harry began to shift nervously.

--"Where's everyone Seamus?" Harry asked, trying to slowly edge his way to the bathroom: one small step at a time.

--"Oh they all headed down to Breakfast," he replied evenly, completely unnoticing to Harry getting out of bed.

--Harry knew why they had already headed down to breakfast: to escape Seamus. The bloody gits didn't wake him 'cause he was probably moaning in his sleep again…ooh and the fully erect wanker _didn't_ help either!

--Everyone even the professors were wary of Seamus he was after all _**pansexual**_.

--_And_ an obvious nymphomaniac.

--The predicament he was in was all rather terrifying and very straining due to his state.

--Seamus began to walk up to Harry at an increasing pace but right before he was cornered into the wall he yelled, "Oh look! Ginny seems to have forgotten her top AGAIN! Silly girl."

--"Where?!" Seamus cried eagerly, magically conjuring a condom that bellowed the question "Want to ride this dragon?"

--Harry quickly ran into the bathroom and slammed the door, shouting out all the locking charms he knew to keep him safe.

--Now only one question remained: "To Wank or To Shower?"

--BANG! BANG!

--Although Harry wasn't entirely sure whether he heard banging or humping against the door.

--"Harry, Ginny always wears tops on Sundays!" Seamus screamed this as though it was new information.

--"Idiot," Harry muttered.

--So it would be the shower then.

--At lightening speed he hopped into the cleaning cubicle and turned on the cold water. His erection was soon relieved.

--When he came out from the shower he didn't hear any sounds outside so he assumed it was safe to back out there.

--Like recommended by Fred and George, he put on an all-black out, it was Sunday so there weren't any classes today.

--When Harry was walking out the door he remembered he forgot about the Attractivo charm.

--"Attractivo," he stated clearly jogging downstairs on his way to the Dining Hall for breakfast.

--As he walked towards the Dinning Hall he felt his skin get extremely hot and then almost instantly the heat ceased. He also felt his clothes becoming almost alarmingly tight on him.

--And to top it all off the stares weren't making him feel any better either.

--"Great let's just top it all of on the list: Harry Potter the **red-hot flaming** homosexual," Harry thought while blushing profusely.

--All of a sudden it felt like his body was forcing him to smile at the people.

--Harry made a quick note to ask Hermione what the Attractivo spell actually does, Hermione does know _everything_.

--When he entered the Dining Hall he noticed a couple people, mainly girls and even a few boys(was that Seamus??) stopped eating and were--_smiling_ at him.

--Trying to avoid their eye contact he made his way over to the twins who were trying to convince Angelina Johnson, a pretty black girl, to eat a piece of chocolate.

--"What is the meaning of this!" Harry asked, gesturing to his entire body.

--"Hello _Sweet Cheeks_," Fred muttered underneath his breath.

--"Hey, no need to thank us we only, you know made you hot," replied George, " that charm enhances the features you already have, think your best looking day times…I don't know eighty and you got _Attractivo_!" George exclaimed the last as though he was some type of muggle car salesman.

--"Harry I believe you will know what to do when you see the little ferret," added Fred.

--"Yeah, do something subtle like grab his crotch!" cried George.

--"Indeed," observed Angelina through giggles, along with a couple other girls: Ginny Weasley, Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown, and…

-- "**HERMIONE!**" Harry yelled almost as shocked if he were to see Voldemort making out with Dumbeldore.

--"Oh, hello Harry," she greeted suddenly out of breath, "You look so... hot look you very." She finished with a hand placed on his chest, as though she had made the most sense possible.

--"Note to self: do not let Seamus see this. But Draco by all means can. Yay Dray. Nay Shay!" Harry thought with a small smile.

--Harry politely moved Hermione hand from his chest.

--"Man I am hungry," he muttered more to himself than to anyone else.

--Like clockwork Harry had four plates filled to the edges with food, prepared for him by the four different girls.

--Angelina's was about to make a fifth plate but she quickly put the plate down when she was severely looked at from Fred.

-- Harry blushed madly and refused to eat from any but still thanked them anyway.

--He prepared his on plate even though Lavender had gotten the last good piece of bacon.

--After Harry was well-fed he slowly made his way out of the dining hall.

--As he was walking he though it would be a good idea to look at himself out in the mirror, so he made his way to the bathroom.

--As soon as he saw the door for the bathroom he rushed in and ran to the nearest mirror to see the side effects of the charm.

--Well at least the _visible_ ones.

--When he peered into the mirror he instantly lost all breath in his lungs.

--"Hot, I'm hell bloody," voiced Harry having a déjà vu moment when he thought about how Hermione mixed up her words when she saw him.

--Harry's body was completely bronze, as though he lived on the sun, his hair was tame and glossier than ever, he thought of an idea and took of his glasses, and his vision did not change at all.

--He stuffed his glasses into his back pocket.

--"Hello _**Italian Stallion**_," Harry chuckled, remembering that Italians were known for their dark hair and bronzed skin and were also _obviously_ irresistible.

--He began to walk towards the bathroom door; as soon as the door opened he was face to face with the love of his: Draco Malfoy.

--Draco Malfoy was wearing a very sexy outfit: all black, he was also wearing an indomitable scent on arrogance.

--"Well Bloody Hell," Draco spoke clearly trying to keep his composure," Looks like the golden boy is finally wearing clothes that fit."

--"Did the _Fashion_ Aurors give you a good beating?" asked Draco chuckling at his joke.

--Although Harry wasn't listening he saw words coming out of the beautiful boy's mouth but it repelled against his ears.

--All Harry knew was that he was really thirsty.

--He magically conjured two goblets full of pumpkin juice and handed one over to Draco.

--Draco looked at the goblet suspiciously but thought it better not to question.

--Harry watched the way Draco would take slow sips from the goblet as though he were savoring every last bit of the pumpkin juice.

--"Merlin help me I am a pervert," Harry though with twisted humor, while taking a sip from his own goblet.

--"Have you started filming **pornographic **videotapes?" Draco questioned innocently.

--Harry instantly choked on his drink.

--Draco taking no notice of this continued on, "Father told me plenty of muggles film them, and in order to be in the film, you have to look good," Draco finished with no shame," Must be why he and Mother are always filming one."

--"Oh," Harry said, while trying to gain his composure, he knew exactly what pornographic tapes were, he had after all grew up with muggles for eleven years.

--Harry grimaced when he remembered finding one of Mr. Dursley's tapes: _Busty Babes Bang-A-Langin'_.

--Harry wiped at his mouth and made his goblet disappear, he was no longer thirsty.

--"I have to meet up with Crabbe and Goyle at the Black Lake," said Draco emotionlessly, back to his normal cold demeanor.

--As he was walking away from Harry he pressed a black piece of Parchment into his hand.

--He also left a burning sensation in Harry's hand.

--Draco quickly turned around and pushed Harry into the stone wall. He pressed his lips roughly against Harry's and breathed on his lips, "See you later."

--"Squeak," Harry said trying his best not to lose all color in his face.

--Draco laughed, "Squeak it is then," he whispered while walking down the hall.

--When Draco was completely was completely out of sight Harry quickly ripped open the parchment.

_--Golden Boy_

_Meet me at the Room of Requirements at 9 o'clock._

_--Draco_

--"Oh yes." Harry thought, "Dreams do come true."

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Holy shit when I was writing the sexy scene my Dad walked by!! So anyways please review and I'll write another chapter soon! Thanks to all my alerters, commenters, and readers!! God I love plurals! Ooh and to Tries-to-hard: thanks for telling me to use spell check! It looks better now!


	3. Erectosa Leviosa

Hello Minions!! I have returned! Thanks to my three new reviews! I updated a bit sooner so it's kinda like a Halloween Present! (I mean c'mon you guys I ditched a wedding to write!) Well okay I'll pretty much ditch anything to write but still!

Shout outs to!

**Conceited Bitch.** : (Ha-ha that's me!)

_But seriously_:

**MarieEsmereldaYADDAYADDA**: Thankyousomuchforthereview (I got excited)! I love Angie and Seamus too!

**Circle M**: No noisy parents this time! They're all wedding hopping and shit! Yes Seamus not being Pansexual would not be a story at all now would IT??

**Tries-too-hard**: I tried very hard to impress you! Nahh I'm joshing. I'm joshing. THanks for the spell check thing! I got that down in speedy time!

But my true Favorites (literally!) are: **MarieEsmereldaYADDAYADDA** and **Yaoi Lover Kamara Alter Ego**!! Ya'll favorited me!

I am listening to: **Just Dance** by Lady Gaga

**Chapter Three: Erectosa Leviosa**

**Rating: Mainly T but at the end it's Mature!**

_**And the plethora of problems persists:**_

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It was a constant churning and swirling of _colors_.

"Up and Down and Up and Down," Harry observed with distaste.

It was a Ron Weasley eating dinner in his usual disgusting manner.

"Ron, close your mouth will you! Some of us are trying to fantasize about having long smashing amounts of sex with Draco Malfoy," Harry _thought_as he licked his lips with the Syltherin minx in mind.

Ron's mouth snapped shut instantaneously.

"WHAT?!"

All food from the young Weasley's mouth was chocked down in an instant. s

"Did you say something Ron?" Harry questioned, just realizing he had said that out loud.

Ron quickly glanced at Hermione for support, she was always better at words than he. "Mione, did you just here what Harry said," Ron exclaimed, practically shouting again.

However, she paid him no mind, Hermione was oblivious to her surroundings, she was too busy writing in what looked to be her journal.

"Hmm Ronald?" she asked with a strange voice, looking up at him with a sort of glazed expression.

Ron on the other hand looked as though he had just been attacked with the "Dumb Shit" hex. Well, if there was _actually_ a dumb shit hex.

"Harry just confessed to fantasizing about **sodomizing** a ferret," Ron said, wiping some pumpkin juice from his mouth with a napkin.

"Oh that's nice…" Hermione spoke, keeping her eyes on Ron's mouth,"Would you like to go study for our Defense against the **Dainty Arses** test?"

Ron looked her dead in the eyes and became calm.

"Definitely."

The two left the table so quickly that Harry barely had enough time to realize that we didn't have any "Dainty Arses" test or Dark Arts exam.

Harry watched as Hermione glided past Professor McGonagall.

"That girl is in desperate need of a **dildo**," she stated matter-of-factly.

She also caught a glimpse of Ron just before he slipped through the door too.

Scratch that just _lubricants_," she finished, as though she were Madame Pomphrey observing a patient.

Harry blushed profusely, trying to obliviate what McGonagall had stated.

Harry looked at his watch, it was only seven o'clock.

He had two whole hours until he was supposed to meet up with Draco in the room of Requirements.

He took an exasperated breath.

"What shall I do for two whole hours?" Harry pondered while looking around the Great Hall.

"Draco," he thought darkly while looking over at the Slytherin table.

Draco was no where in sight. It was probably for the best he didn't to tire him out before nine-o-clock.

"Draco's probably just sleeping or something. He'll need the rest," Harry thought menacingly.

"Next," he pondered lazily, "Neville, maybe we could dig for crying plants like last week."

Although he was out of luck, Neville was passionately kissing a stringy haired Ravenclaw whore with cork earrings.

"Busy. Got It." Harry stated truthfully.

Quickly becoming desperate he thought of another person to hang out with. "All I'll need is a chastity belt," Harry thought," Or the reverse spell for the **Erectosa Leviosa**."

As soon as he saw Seamus he mentally berated himself for even the thought of willingly being around him.

Seamus was no doubt _touching _himself in the corner of the crowded dinner hall.

Harry caught eyes with him. "You," Seamus mouthed while pointing at his wanker.

Realizing his efforts for finding sane and bored companions were futile, he decided to head to the library.

As soon as he entered the large place he was immediately shushed by Madame Pince for barging in _much_ too loudly.

"Maybe **_she needs a dildo_**," Harry whispered venomously.

After Harry had calmed down he remembered he had to look for information on the Attractivo spell.

"Since Hermione obviously has lost her bloody mind," Harry whispered, while walking around the large library.

Although his footing quickly stopped when he came upon the "**Restricted Section**." He had always wondered what exactly was in there. Him and his best friends had been in here before but this looked like a completely different area.

Without a second thought he stealthily entered the section. As soon as he went into the room he became interested in the books.

He finally realized why this section was restricted, it was chock-full of sex!

Well _not_ in the literal sense but in the book sense.

"I've got to read Broom Talk, Professor's Pet, The Art of Shagging , and The Step by Step Guide to Satisfying your Wizard."

While reaching out for the last book: The Step by Step Guide to Satisfying your Wizard, Harry noticed a plain looking black book. He picked that one up too.

"Hmm," Harry observed, "that's odd, no title," her flipped through the pages, "and no words."

He remembered what Fred and George had told him yesterday, about there being a real Marauder's Journal.

"Impossible," whispered Harry breathlessly, but hey when you're bored you're up for anything.

Harry took a deep breath and pulled out his wand, pointing it right at the plain black cover.

"I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good," he stated with full intention of **mischief**.

He waited for five seconds for the book to react.

Nothing.

Harry took another deep breath, becoming frustrated with the book.

He pointed his wand at the book again, having thought of another phrase.

"I solemnly swear that I'm nosey as bloody hell," he whispered with vigor at the dormant book.

As he finished his statement he noticed the color of the book begin to change into an elegant silver and blue just like the color of the journal Hermione gave him.

He heard a muffled voice read," Property of…ehem."

**"What was that?!" **Harry nearly screamed but the remembered where he was.

Down here," replied the book, in a woman's voice, he slowly opened it up. To his surprise there on the book was a beautiful woman with long black hair in nothing but a bra and panties.

Harry tried to act calm by this but his emotions were transparent. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm comfortable witha woman's body," he thought.

"Oh Merlin! Sorry, It's just the last boy's who had me said they weren't going to mess with me anymore so I thought I could just relax," she babbled anxiously. It was obvious to Harry that she was lying.

She quickly threw on a tight fitting dark purple dress.

"What's your name handsome boy?" she asked while adjusting her brassiere.

"H-Harry Potter," replied the suddenly meek young wizard.

"Look at the front cover I hope I spelled it right," she ordered.

"Perfect," said Harry looking at her awkwardly.

"Oh, I should probably introduce myself, my name is Rowena Ravenclaw, founder of Ravenclaw, well I'm kind of like the teenage version of her since I, I mean she decided it would be good to create this book to show those other bloody houses that Ravenclaw is not just a house full of **loose** and **promiscuous** wizards and witches!" She exclaimed the last part with a heated tone.

Harry decided not to mention a certain "loose and promiscuous" Ravenclaw named Cho Chang that was _notorious_for her after hours quidditch lessons or the whore Neville's so taken with.

Harry shifted awkwardly again, "I'm in Gryffindor."

"Oh," she replied, crestfallen ,"well that's alright, I like you, your better looking than those two crazy red heads who were pulling at yesterday. Although that was quite nice." She said the latter sentence in a reminiscent tone.

"Although they do come **so **close," she whispered to herself.

"Let me explain how this works, you tell me a name of a person whose journal you would like to read and **poof**" she slapped her hands together for added emphasis, "onto a page they go!"

"_Very interesting_," Harry said while flipping through the pages, he noticed that one the pages included an attractive teenage boy who was quickly zipping up his pants and leaving through the back cover. No Harry was sure she was lying about that relaxation comment.

"Yes," Harry thought, "very loose."

"Indeed," Rowena replied in a serious voice while closely observing Harry's facial expressions.

"How did you know that my journal looks like this?" Harry questioned while further studying the journal hoping to bring her voice back from severity.

"Oh you poor thing! Don't you remember that I just got acces to your entry yesterday! It allows me access to everything in your journal, among other things. And that Includes its appearance." Rowena then fluffed out her hair. Using Harry's eyes as her mirror.

But I almost forgot!" Rowena exclaimed in an even bubblier demeanor," The person who's journal you get information from turns into like their mini self and reads their entry! It's **really quite funny**! And if you ever need suggestion just ask me and I'll help you out!"

"Suggestions?"

"Let's say you needed a pick me up and you need something funny all you have to do is ask me for funny and I'll give you an entry that was written that was funny." Rowena replied while checking her butt out in a mirror, "Or you know something sexy."

"Oh," Harry blushed while thinking about Draco and the dream he had this morning.

"Could you ummm…" Harry thought of a light way to put it but decided there was no easy way to say it, "Give me something with **sex**?"

"Well you _don't_ waste anytime do you?" she said while applying red lipstick to her full lips.

She winked at the boy then disappeared.

As quick as she had disappeared another girl had reappeared.

"Hermione!" Harry gasped becoming intrigued yet guilty for watch her "sexy" entry.

"**Fuck me**," her petite lady-like mouth exclaimed, "use your muscular hands and rip off my clothing."

"Merlin!" Harry shouted, but curiously (and pervertedly!) kept watching the mini- Hermione.

"Entwine your lean, freckled body with my slender womanly curves. For I am a humble slave to your sexual desires."

Harry quickly shut the book, not wanting to hear anymore about "sexual desires."

Rowena appeared on the front of the book, fanning herself with her petite hand. "What the bloody hell was that?! You didn't even get to the good part yet!" she exclaimed mercilessly. "I wouldn't want to be that girl's roommate…or would I?" she pondered openly.

Harry decided to not tell Rowena that that was his best friend.

He carefully looked down at his watch, not wanting to throw Rowena off the journal.

It was only 8 o'clock.

Harry looked down at Rowena; she was pursing he lips at the silver of the cover.

"Can you show me some **secrets**?"

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I know! I know! I KNOW! How could you not show me the room of requirements!

Hey! It's whatever! I just really wanted him to find the journal first!

And to make it up to you! If you message **me a character from Hogwarts you want to reveal a secret** or review me I'll update even faster!!

**YAHH PLEASE REVIEW!**


	4. Scourgify My Mind Baby

**WHOOP BITCHES!!**

I have returned with yet another chapter of TSaM.

Well you know I'd never leave seeing as how I got so many reviews for my last chapter ***eyes downcast*** that's a little hindering that nobody review me on chapter 3 but hey! What can you do?

**BUT!**

I got like seven more alerters so I'll count my blessings!

Ooh Shout Outs To My New Favoriters!!

Ms. **Lina Ben**: Nice namebtw. Thanks for the alert; I am dedicating this one to you!

*Waits for new song to start on IHOME*

Listening To: "**Touch My Body**" by Mariah Carey. No lie you guys she just said she was gonna wrap her thighs around some respectable man's waist!

….On a Serious Note:

**Chapter Rating: **Teen (Well it seems teen tome but I guess you could think of it as Mature... there are SOME questionable parts.)

**Chapter Title**: _Scourgify My Mind Baby_

**And the pervertedness persists:**

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"Can you show me some secrets?"

Harry eagerly waited for Rowena to _Poof_ him some other sexy secrets.

However to his disdain, Rowena was too occupied with her breasts to have heard what the young wizard had asked. She kept on seizing them in her hands and pushing them up, as though it were scientifically possible for her to have anymore cleavage in that tight-fitting dress.

"Founder of Ravenclaw, more like the Leader of the **Slutty Slytherins**," Harry _**thought**_ with a dark chuckle.

Her hands instantly fell to her sides and balled into tiny fists.

"Hey! I heard that you **bloody arsehole**!" shouted Rowena, having instantly snapped back to full attention. "Ew, that doesn't sound very insulting, sounds more like some type of _disgusting menstrual mishap_. Oi! I shouldn't have said either of that!"

Harry shuddered. He tried unsuccessfully to mentally remove "bloody arsehole" from his list of tell-offs.

"What the bloody---"Harry stopped mid-yell, "What exactly do you mean 'heard that'?"

Rowena absentmindedly began to tug at a strand of her long, glossy tresses. She quickly diverted eye contact with Harry.

"Well, um, you see I sort of can read your mind."

One look at Harry's face sent her into pure hysteria.

The little woman cried, "Well it wouldn't be _natural_ if I couldn't!"

"Oh yes, of course it is natural that you can read my mind, "Harry shouted, sarcasm present in his voice.

Harry continued to stare at Rowena as though she had just grown a third breast, well if there was any room for it to grow.

"Oh Harry," she cooed," All owners of the Marauder's Journal are magically bound to their Journal a.k.a. me as soon as their name is written on the cover." She knocked on the cover of the journal where the words "Harry Potter" were elegantly inscribed, as though she was insuring the strength of their bind.

Harry's face fell, he felt as though he were tricked, fooled, and the butt of one of the twin's pranks.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, uh you see," she stammered, she was patting her hands against her lightly clothed thigh in an erratic rhythm, "people usually shut me after I inform them that a **_loose and promiscuous _**Ravenclaw would have to bind with you in order to be able to use the journal," she finished with a hint of sadness in her voice.

Guilt washed over Harry when he saw how sad she became, he didn't always have to comment about her slovenly ways.

"The reason I have to read your mind is so I will only show you things that pertain to you, like the girl I showed you I knew she was one of your friends, that's why I showed you her. There are so many people at Hogwarts, including it's past students, that have journals! It's easier to narrow the search."

"Well, that's fine, just please try not to comment on my thoughts okay?" Harry slowly began picking up his other books, the journal was great and all but he would surely kill himself if he didn't get to read _Broom Talk_.

Rowena brightened up, "You mean you're okay with it?"

"Of course, I mean it'll take some getting used to but I'll be fine. We gotta get out of here though, I have to meet up with someone at 9:00 and you need to be put inside my dorm." Harry informed her as he made his way out of the Restricted Section.

She clapped her hands in delirium and let out a giggle.

"Oh! **More** **Teenage Boys**!"

Harry could have sworn he saw a predator-like glint in Rowena's eyes.

She licked her lips, "Delicious."

Harry broke into a run as he headed to the common room, "The faster to Draco the better."

Rowena could have sworn she saw a predator-like glint in Harry's eyes. She cowered deep inside of the journal.

Right before Harry went onto the moving stairs he was stopped by the Head of the Snakes, Professor Severus Snape.

Snape began to click his tongue in a disapproving fashion.

"Mr. Potter, I hope that you have managed to keep yourself out of _tight little holes _tonight. Hmm, judging by your oaf-like running I assume you haven't. I suggest you scurry your swee--- I mean off to bed Potter!" Snape roared at the young wizard. He abruptly turned away from Harry and stormed off in the opposite direction.

Harry was slightly amused but still somewhat frightened. He felt some shuffling inside of his journal. Rowena's head shortly appeared on the side.

"I believe that is what muggles would call a '**Punk-Ass Bitch**'," her eyes followed the sound of fast walking and the swish of a cloak.

"A Punk-Assed Bitch indeed," Harry noted. Everyone was acting really weird today.

Well everyone_ aside_ from Seamus, you could always count on Seamus' "I'm going to rape you while you're sleeping" demeanor.

"Hey Rowena how did Fred and George get used to you reading their minds?"

"It was actually the other way around I never got used to me reading theirs. They have some pretty dirty and mischievous thoughts those boys. It's rather unsettling, no matter how cute they are. So I asked them to return me. In all my centuries of life that has never happened before." She answered with wide eyes.

Harry let out a slightly uncomfortable laugh. The twins were very odd.

After Harry had reached his common room he jogged up the steps to the boy's dormitory, hoping to meet up with Ron and tell him about everything.

Although what met him in his dormitory was none other than the ever-aroused Seamus Finnigan himself lying on his bed in what looked to be a **thong**.

"Oh, hello Seamus," Harry greeted in a mock I'm-not-supremely-uncomfortable-with-your-attire voice.

He cautiously approached his bed and slowly placed his journal on top of it then patted Rowena/the journal comfortingly.

He quickly dug through his trunk in search of his invisibility cloak.

Right before Harry left his dormitory he heard an astonished, "**What an interesting book**" accompanied with a loud gasp and of course the ever so lewd kiss sound.

"_Oh Merlin_."

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With the invisibility cloak covering his body, he wandered aimlessly throughout the castle.

"Remember what Neville had said, you must want something and then the door will appear." He thought as he walked down along the narrow corridor.

He stopped in front of a familiar looking broom closet.

"To Shag a Malfoy," Harry spoke clearly into the wall.

The shape of the closet began to change rapidly into that of a large door that was covered in large, black, heavy-looking chains.

_Click!_

The lock of the door popped open.

He slowly pushed at the enormous doors; they were surprisingly light underneath Harry's hands.

Harry instantly became delirious when his emerald eyes cast upon the beauty of Draco Malfoy.

Draco silently greeted him with a smirk that should be "banned in every single place on Earth, wizarding or muggle." For it was much too powerful for even the destroyer of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"It's soo sexy it's illegal," Harry thought, while he leered at the platinum haired boy.

"Be good Harry Potter," chastised Rowena in a motherly tone,"Whoopsy, did I just blatantly disregard telling you that I can get in your head too! "

Harry's jaw mentally hit the floor, that little bit---

"What? No hello Potter? You can't just come in her, mentally undress me with your eyes and not even greet me!" Draco exclaimed in a melodramatic tone.

Harry walked over to the little couch Draco was seated at; he seemed to be deeply concentrating on preparing tea for the two. "Uh, hi?"

Harry took that as a great time to check out Draco, his legs were elegantly spread out as though they were saying you will be **The-Boy-Who-Spoke-In-Tongues** after I have shagged you senselessly.

Harry also noticed that there was a rather large and comfortable looking bed in the far corner of the room.

"We'll put that to good use later," Harry muttered.

"What was that Potter?"

"Nothing."

Harry's eyes glazed over when he saw the way Draco was drinking his tea.

With such precision and concentration it made a young teenager wonder…

"Tasty," Harry commented as he watched Draco take a long sip of the tea,

Harry suddenly felt ashamed of himself, he reminded himself of the **famously-perverted wizarding coach who touched teenage boys**.

"Oh excuse me," Draco spoke as he let out a rather tantalizing breath, "Would you like some?"

After watching Draco's little display he would have agreed to anything Draco asked of him, even if it was to wank off to a "**Voldemort is the sex**" poster.

Merlin, how he hated those bloody posters. They just weren't right.

"S-Sure."

For if the tea was anything like Draco it would be _Too Hot to Handle_. He would need his full concentration.

But it was much too hard to concentrate when Draco was licking his lips like _that_.

"Gods, it tastes soo good." Draco stated while slowly licked his lips.

Harry felt himself slowly pitch a tent. "Best Camping Trip _**Ever,**_" Harry thought.

"Don't you think Harry? Pity, you haven't even tasted yours," Draco noted with displeasure in his voice.

Harry made quick use of his dirty mouth and downed his tea so quickly he wasn't even able to taste it. He would not have been surprised if he had just drunk a love potion. After all, Draco did always receive _exemplary_ marks in potions.

A couple of minutes passed between the two young wizards without a single word being spoken.

"So Harry do you fantasize about me?"

Harry immediately choked on air. "What?! That's ridiculous why I would ever---**YES**, for the past couple of months, actually that's what I usually dream about."

Harry suddenly became very aware of what he had just drank.

_**Veritaserum**_.

A small, wicked smile crept upon Draco's face like he had just read Harry's mind.

"Dreams?"

Harry took a deep trembling breath.

"Yes, in these dreams you sometimes take on different personas or we are in different situations. They always end up the same though; you are always taking me in some kind of dominant position."

Draco's face suddenly became extremely eager he motioned with his hands for Harry to continue.

"Just about a week ago, I had this dream where you were the brutal new quidditch coach who was here to whip me or even bend me into shape. You had tricks too they ranged from swallowing "snitches" whole to riding "brooms" for long grueling hours. And by brooms I mean wankers and by wankers I mean shafts and by shafts I mean your deliciously large cock." Harry paused when he noticed Draco bite his tongue (in distaste?).

"But, it was just a dream. Just an average dream about me shagging you."

Draco began to cross and uncross his legs.

Well Potter I knew you had become very taken with me these past couple of months seeing as how I couldn't even eat a proper meal without hearing your incessant moaning on the other side of the hall." Draco rolled his eyes when he saw Harry blush at the last statement.

"I mean for god sake's you're worse than that nympho Irish bloke!" Draco chuckled at himself, believing he'd mastered humor.

**"Which is why I placed Firewhiskey in your cup."**

Harry's eyes jumped off his face and fell on the floor.

"WHAT?! That's a lie!"

"The-Boy-Who-Lived, yeah right more like The-Boy-Who-Is-Easily-Pissed." Draco whispered loud enough for Harry to hear his rude remark.

The pissed remark made Harry remember the only other time he had ever had Firewhiskey.

That was at the Twin's birthday party, they had coined that named for him too.

Yup, one cup of Firewhiskey and Harry would reveal his darkest secrets.

"Potter if you don't believe me why don't you take a whiff of the cup then genius. You don't need Mudblood to help you figure this one out."

The smell of the cup confirmed it all.

It reminded him exactly of the party now.

And if that still didn't confirm it Harry's fit full of hiccups sure did.

Harry looked up at Draco's face, from the looks of it it seemed as though Draco had himself a cup too. His face held the expression of an **openly** sexual deviant with dialated eyes.

Harry suddenly became alarmed (aroused?) when Draco conjured his teacup into the Nimbus 3000.

"Uh***hiccup*** Draco***hiccup*** I have***hiccup*** to go***hiccup*** talk to ***hiccup***my ***hiccup***journal."

As soon as Harry stood up to leave the room Draco quickly ran over to the door and blocked his exit.

Draco's eyes were glazed over in a mixture of a drunk and madman.

"Who's Draco? **I am Mr. Crotch** and in order for you, my very skilled broom handler to leave this room you must do one thing."

Harry protectively covered his privates with his invisibility cloak.

It looked quite odd, seeing as how his entire crotch had disappeared from view.

He slowly walked over to Draco.

Draco---Mr. Crotch seemed unfazed by Harry's attempt at defending his two most prized snitches.

"Since **I will not be going to Azkaban for the touching of underage wizards** for the seventh time all I would like is for you," Crotch reached down and patted (smacked?) Harry on the face, "to kiss my broom."

Draco bent down and slowly pulled out his….

**Nimbus 3000.**

Even though Draco had made it obvious that Harry was to kiss the literal broom, Harry was still torn between wanting to pucker up to the actual Nimbus or the little Draco---Crotch.

Deep down, well okay not too deep down, he knew which stick he really wanted to kiss.

Crotch suddenly became impatient with Harry's indecision.

"Oh, don't be daft Potter; kiss the Nimbus!"

Harry quickly bent down towards the Nimbus, but was quickly berated by Draco for not being seductive enough and to slow down.

"Enjoy it! Merlin knows I will."

Harry chuckled with a dirty though in mind,"Foreplay, more like **Whoreplay**."

Harry made a big show of kissing the broom, he even used his tongue!

He noted the intake of Draco's breath when he did that.

After Harry had finished with his "shaft" he looked up at Draco.

Draco's mouth was agape as though Luscius Malfoy had finally told him the meaning of a **pornographic videotape**, which his parents avidly film together.

Draco wordlessly stepped out of the way for Harry to pass.

Right before Harry passed by he decided to put his headache aside and do something bold. He reached down with a hand and grabbed Draco's crotch; there was no doubt a large erection in Harry's hand.

"Just checking," he whispered into Draco's ear.

As soon as he left the room he was immediately scolded by Rowena.

"What?! I was _trying_ to be subtle."

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WHOO HOO! DONE FINALLY!

I truly think that's my funniest one so far!

Listen I noticed no one message me a character they wanted in the journal they wanted to reveal a secret so I'm probably going to have the next chapter be only secrets so you can see how great they are! I am very tired so I'm going to put this up the off to bed!

**PLEASE REVIEW ME! **


	5. Nightly Desires

**THIS IS ABSOLUTELY STUPENDOUS!**

I am glad that you guy's liked my latest chapter which is why I updated so soon! I want as many groupies as possible so I wrote this journal chapter! "Give the people what they want" that's what I just started to say!

Although I don't really consider this one a chapter it's more of just a little tidbit.

**OHH IT'S SHOUTOUT TIME!!**

**MissEsmereldaYADDAYADDA**: Your new name is "The Loyal" because you review, favorite, and alert me! I'm no psychologist or scientist but that's pretty amazing! Ooh and tell your tequila friend that sometimes the most truthful things come out when you are shitfaced ie: sexy dreams, pin numbers, virginity, chastity belts, etc…

**Whylite**: OhmygodthankyousoomuchyouareBEAST! You even suggested thing! I'm going to use one because that doesn't give anything away! But thank you very much!!

**SOO ON THE SERIOUS SIDE:**

_Listening To_: "**What You Like"** by T.I. I think this song goes perfectly with the chapter!

_Chapter Rating_: **Teen?** (Maybe it **could be Mature if you're like a prude or something **but hey it's all opinions and perspectives, oh and how dirty and tainted your mind is!)

_**And the arousal arises:**_

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--Harry drunkenly stumbled inside of his dormitory in the wee hours of the morning.

--His splitting headache couldn't have possibly blocked out the loud sounds that were his fellow dorm mates' snores.

--Harry saw a **thong **on the side of Seamus' bed and was extremely grateful that his sheets were completely closed.

--"I guess I'll have to worry about that tomorrow."

--Harry slowly crept onto his four-poster bed.

--He used his hand to search for his journal/Rowena. Despite how tired he was he really needed to confine in someone about what happened at the Room of Requirements.

--"I solemnly swear I'm nosy as bloody hell," he whispered into the silver book.

--It slowly opened by itself.

--To Harry's shock his eyes witnessed a sleeping Rowena and mini-Seamus in a large black bed.

--"I can't even leave you alone for a few hours without you bedding someone," he scolded down at Rowena.

--Her eyes slowly fluttered open.

--"Oh Harry I'm suffering from _chronic_ **fatigue** right now," she gestured her small arm towards mini-Seamus," as you can see I've had a long night." She instinctively licked her lips.

--"Listen, I'll make it up to you; I know you wanted some secrets so there you are. And off I go."

--With those final words Rowena, mini-Seamus, and the **infamous** bed disappeared.

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--Like clockwork a handsome dark-skinned boy instantly appeared on the page.

--"Blaise Zabini," observed Harry.

--Harry snuggled deeper inside of his **homemade blanket had recently knit for him**.

--Mini-Blaise suddenly began to take of his clothes to reveal a form-fitting pair of black boxers.

--Harry and mini-Blaise took a deep breath in unison.

--"**Cherries**, the smell of his boxers," Blaise gestured towards the dark undergarments," and damn I wouldn't be surprised if his own wanker smelled like that bloody fruit too."

--Mini-Blaise's voice suddenly began to crack.

--"I'm not gay I just become instantly aroused whenever I think about Draco Malfoy. Yeah, that's right I'm just a straight, **wanker-loving**, bloke who fancies himself a **sniff** of Draco's Malfoy boxers. I'm sure there are other boys that are attracted to Draco too, it has to be natural."

--The boy disappeared from the journal with a defiant smirk on his face; it resembled the Slytherin Prince's.

--"Damn right it's natural, there isn't a damn thing wrong about a little **wanker-loving**," Harry added for good measure when his mind drifted off to Draco's wanker smelling like a fruit.

--"I do hope Draco doesn't contract the STDs because of him," he shuddered when he tried to calculate how many boxers Blaise must have sniffed, worn, or wanked on.

--The next person that _Poofed! _onto the page was the beautiful yet disoriented looking Angelina Johnson.

--Even in Angelina's mini-state Harry could see that her pupils were extremely dilated.

--Her mouth began to move but her words were so slurred that Harry could barely understand anything she said.

"_HmmOhmyMerlins_…SLEPT…._Swooshboosh_…TWINS…_Voldydumbleydorah_….. WHICH ONE….._Hmmmssss_……LOOKSAME…._Urgghh_…..STUPID WHISKEY ….._Tooshdelisshus_……SOO WASTED…….COULD HAVE EVEN BEEN **MRS**. _**SODDING**_ **NORRIS**.

--And then she passed out on the blank page.

--Harry began to panic. He quickly began waving his hand at the tiny girl.

--Mini-Angelina suddenly began to stir.

--She slowly began to lift herself up.

--"Oh thank-you , my do you look different." She then proceeded to retch onto the blank page.

--Mini-Angelina and her retchings faded away from the page.

--Harry continued to look down at the spot where Angelina had vanished.

--"And I thought I couldn't handle alcohol." He let out a tsking noise to show his distaste in Angelina's little _show_.

--The next person that appeared was Madame Hooch, she appeared to be in an almost euphoric state, very much differing from Angelina's drunken _whore_ demeanor.

--Hooch's loud commanding voice boomed into Harry's face.

--"Gave Cho Chang **late night quidditch lessons**. Or was it the other way around? No matter she excelled so well that she will be receiving superior marks for years to come, for her skilled performance on and _off_ the field."

--A lewd and disturbing smile crept onto Hooch's face.

--"Madame Hooch more like **Hoochie Mama**," Harry noted while he pointed an accusing finger at the professor.

--Mini-Hooch returned Harry's reprimand with an ice-cold glare.

--"Just because she refused to give it up to you doesn't mean I'm a hoochie mamma, it just means I'm more shaggable than the likes of you."

--She disappeared with a pleased smile.

--The next person that appeared on the page was a stocky, large-bossomed red-head,

--"Mrs. Weasley," he gasped, becoming uncomfortable with the possibility that she might reveal something inappropriate for the teenager to hear.

--"Today Arthur decided to spice things up by **dressing as a dementor** for bed tonight. He scared the pants right off of me."

--"_Literally_."

--"_And_ the top,_ and_ the bra, _and_ the knickers."

--In unison a crimson blush crept up Harry and the Mother Weasley's face. She began to giggle as though she were a freshly fornicated fourth-year female with a pleasant memory.

--"It was a little bit of a bugger though because he always has this tendency to shag me when I'm knitting something for the boys."

's face brightened into a smile as a thought popped up into her head.

--"Like last week when he **dressed up as a** **vampire** when I was knitting Harry a blanket."

--She frowned at her statement, feeling slightly ashamed.

--"Well at least it was _stitched with love_."

--Then she vanished.

--Harry immediately snapped the journal shut.

--He was going to have himself a very cold night.

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Soo what do ya'll think? I noticed people are giving me a lot of suggestions so that's great! I will be sure to use a couple in the story! If you guys liked this one I'll see about making a part two of the journal! The title will probably have something to do with desires.

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

Ooh and **if you have suggestions for the Journal you can review it to me** or message it to me!


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